Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A case of mistaken identity

As you know, I work at a high school. One day I was standing in the waiting area of our office chatting it up with a student. A parent walked in, visibly upset and started ripping me a new one, yelling at me, reaming me...(insert your favorite metaphor here).

After a while of being screamed at...I calmly said, "I think you need to talk to our Administrator, Bridget Taylor."

"Oh," she said, "you're not Ms. Taylor?"

"No, I'm not. I'll go get her for you."

"Well, thank you, I always get you two confused."

Continue scrolling................................

Go on........................

This is my boss, Bridget. I can totally tell why people can't tell us apart.

Monday, September 29, 2008

When life hands you lemons....

Take them and squeeze the crap out of them....make them into stress balls....imagine faces on them.... and then throw them in the garbage disposal and listen to them get pulverized...

I'll laugh again tomorrow. Frustrated today.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

50,000 mile Tune-Up

About two years ago I got a pain in my side. It is excruciating at times, and it isn't going away. So, I went to the Doctor. Big deal you say! I waited until two weeks ago to go FINALLY and it was the second time in almost 12 years. No joke, I had been one other time since I had Scotty. And I have had the pain for two years.

Now, I have been to 5 doctors in two weeks, had eight appointments and a myriad of tests including a mammogram and an x-ray on my knee that I am fairly certain have nothing to do with the pain in my side. I have been poked, prodded, drugged, x-rayed, ultrasounded (inside and out), biopsied, and I have an oscopy coming up plus a sleep apnea test that again, I am fairly certain, has nothing to do with my pain.

I guess they figure that they have one shot (no pun intended) at me and they might as well check the entire engine out, as well as the wheels and headlights.

So here's the results so far: I have good blood pressure. I have arthritis in my knee. I need to lose weight. (That one totally took me by surprise, almost as much as Clay Aikens' admission that he is gay.) I do not have breast cancer. I have no self esteem or modesty left. I still have a pain in my side. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

How do I?

My sweet little blogging friends, a small, short question.

How do I turn my blogs into a book? I would like to select some to keep for posterity. I know many of you have done it, a tutorial please.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Another Scottyism

While I am browning pork chops.....

"What kind of chicken is that Mom?"
"Pork chop chicken."


"Well, I guess pigs CAN fly! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I love this boy.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A collosal No-No

Good Time Charlie is a blog reader in my ward. I love her. She is tall and thin and wears the best clothes. And her shoes....LOVE her shoes. She eats figs, I don't know if that's good or bad, it's just a little fact about her. She is well read, well spoken, and has struggled through some major things in her life. Her kids are adorable and always look so stinkin' cute and her husband is one of my favorite people in our ward. I love Charlie and that's why it makes me so sad that I have to be mad at her.

Good time Charlie gave a talk in our ward on Sunday. It was a well researched and well thought out talk except for one little detail. Unfortunately this little snippet in an otherwise lovely and spiritual talk was THE ONE time my 14 year old EVER listened to a talk in church. When he heard this gem come out of Sis. Charlie's mouth he sat up like a Meerkat in the Serengetti. He was all ears, awake and alert. (a minor modern day miracle!) Unfortunately it wasn't the 'children, obey your parents and be kind and sweet every minute of every day' part of the talk. It was...it was...its was...."Parents are not perfect...parents can apologize."

Out of a 15 minute talk, this is what he heard....


Now Charlie...we all KNOW this to be true, but to say it publicly, out there for the world to hear in front of "the enemy" is just wrong. It should be whispered under the covers quietly, it should be discussed in private among friends, BUT never, ever, ever in front of the children. This way, when you ARE wrong, and DO need to apologize and therefore DO so...it takes them completely by surprise and catches them off guard. They aren't expecting it and it means more.

I realize that you are the mother of still young children and have not experienced the dog-days of teenagers. If you had of, you would realize that you never, ever, ever give them ammunition to use against you. You'll be happy to know that said 14 year old has left the quote on our whiteboard in the kitchen for the whole world to see and to remind us, his parents, of our foibles and shortcomings.

You'll be happy to know also that the 14 year old's father left his OWN message on the white board beneath your quote.

He just wants to make sure the chain of command is clear around here.

Disclaimer: the above post was said with tongue firmly planted in cheek and with enormous love for my sweet friend, Good Time Charlie.
The 14 year old? Not so much, but he's 14 and someday we will like him again. jk.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Can't blog.

Can't blog tonight, I am trying to figure out how to walk on water for my lesson tomorrow. That's what it takes to keep the interest of our 22 Freshmen. And if I can't do that, then Thursday's lesson is feeding the 5,000 with fish and bread, got any ideas for our dog & pony show that is also called Seminary?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A study in the bizarre

Usually for Labor Day weekend we go camping at our favorite place, Rucker Lake. We have years and years of memories of sunburns, fish caught, canoeing, family fights, umpteen hours of Cribbage, Uno and Phase 10.

This year Byron hasn't been feeling well and our camping girl up and got married, so it just wasn't our year. At a loss for what Americana thing to do this year, we decided to make the trek to Sacramento to the California State Fair. It's been years and years since we went;
now I remember why.

First of all, there are a lot of really odd people at the fair. Like this young man, we saw him and his mask everywhere. It was weird.

This picture does not do this woman justice. She was about 4'9" and weighed maybe 70 lbs, with lead in her pockets and soaking wet. I was worried she would collapse and be trampled.

This lady was doing her best Shrek impression, notice how, just like the big green guy, her neck sits right smack on her shoulders. Poor thing.

My sneaky photographer son snapped this picture of a woman for whom time has stood still. She had the most perfectly feathered mullet I have even seen. And she's happy about it.

You'd think that in California you'd be able to get a better caliber of celebrity. This is Richard Kiel, better known as Jaws. He is really, really, really big in real life. And he's not exactly handsome either. Pictures were $20, Jeff snuck this one in and ran.

Only at a fair would you find a 40 foot chicken. This one won Best of Show for the county exhibits. Who thinks of this stuff?

Embarrassed to admit it, but we are the proud owners of not one, but two, SHAMWOWS!!!!

Oh Fried foods! 54 different varities of fried foods. Oreos, twinkies, dill pickles, sweet potato sticks, snickers, triple fried fries, elephant ears...a gazillion calories and one heart attack just waiting for you.

Yep, this is us eating the block of fries.

I feel for this poor woman selling bath towels She had to wear this get up for 16 days. I wonder if she sold any? Certainly not to any member of the Relief Society in the 80's, we all made them in Homemaking meeting.

This is Raul the Texas bull. His horns are 120 inches from tip to tip. That's 10 feet!!! How does he hold up his head?

This llama was cute until it tried to spit on us. We're fast though.

Finally! Jeff has always wanted to be the big cheese. (Cheesey, I know.)

These two guys are about the only things at the fair I would look twice at!!!

And finally....

I was afraid of the ultimate answer, so I didn't answer the questions.
My curiosity is now killing me.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Friday Fun Stuff

First of all, I must announce the sad, sad passing of my beloved hamster, Laffy Taffy. She was a sweet little member of my family; and I loved this little rodent. In fact, some (all) may say that she was my favorite child. She was cheap to keep, never talked back, never left her stuff laying around, didn't hog the computer or TV and loved to play with her Mama. My children could learn something from this hamster.

Last Friday I was in Idaho; I went to see Lauren & Skyler thanks to my wonderful friend Marty who offered to take me along for the ride. She was going to Rexburg to take her last child Karlee to BYU-I. Now Marty and Brian are empty nesters who can run around nekkid all day if they want.

Marty is going to kill me for this picture. Say goodbye to me. I think she looks pretty good having woken up at o'dark thirty to leave on the trip. (4:45 am sharp I was out on my driveway waiting ) I took a shower, did my hair and makeup. I guess I'm more high maintenance than Marty, some would call it vain. ( I just wanted to make sure I looked good IF anything happened.)

You can tell by this picture that Karlee really enjoyed the trip.

I don't think it was Marty's and my singing though, nerves were getting to her. You're beautiful, smart, funny and wonderful Karlee, life is gonna be FUN for you in Rexburg.

Karlee was happy to see the Idaho sign, it meant only 4 hours to go until Rexburg!

I lost my obligatory $1 in Nevada. That's my gambling budget for the year.

I had never seen a soda machine with flavorings before...I thought the cherry would be good with my addiction, it was Gross beyond Gross. That's my public service to you in this blog.

Lauren and Karlee are so excited to be back together. They had always planned on being roommates but then Lauren signed up to room with Skyler. But the good news is is that their apartment has two bedrooms! One for Karlee?

This is a sight I didn't see often in MY home. Warms my heart. They have such a cute little apartment and are really happy. That also warms my heart.

We went to see Mesa Falls, it was gorgeous. After one whole month...and they still love each other!

A highlight of the trip was going to Yellowstone where I saw wildlife and Geysers. SO COOL!
Loved it!!

Me and my wonderful son-in-law. We sure got lucky with this one! Great choice Lauren!

We went to a place called Big Jud's, home of the biggest burger I have ever seen. It was so cruddy and dirty in there, but the tots and burger were great. If I had only been blind, the experience might have been better. (I WAS warned, I went of my own free will and choice)

I got home in time to get Scotty ready for 6th grade Science camp. What a nightmare getting him to pack!! I looked in his bag.... (no joke) one pair of shorts, three size 6-8 shirts, deodorant and a deck of cards. Um Scotty? How 'bout the list? 4-5 pairs of pants, shirts, coat, socks, UNDERWEAR etc...? Shirts that cover your belly? A sweatshirt since you are going to be in the Santa Cruz mountains and it might get chilly? A toothbrush?

This is where they slept, in cabins. So cool for an 11 year old!! A 4 day 24/7 campout with your buddies! Does life get ANY BETTER? FYI...No one has ever rolled out the windows.

This is where Scotty took a shower every day, he proudly told me so. However, taking a shower doesn't mean changing your underwear. I guess you need a private place to do that and there weren't any. I don't understand the logic here...it's okay to shower in front of every one (kind of), but you can't change your undies? Help me out. (No one changed by the way, except Timothy who changed his underwear in a closet that didn't lock). And they all couldn't use the same closet. (?) Does anyone understand 11 year logic?

This is where they ate. Don't bother with the scrambled eggs, rumor on the street is that they are really BAD, like Don't even feed the animals with them bad. Spaghetti is okay, nuggets are excellent and the cinnamon rolls weren't as good as mine. (Way to suck up Scotty!)

Some other lessons learned at camp....
Fire ants taste like sour skittles, if you chop off the heads first. Good to know.
Banana Slugs on your nose aren't that bad, but they do kind of smell.
Who poops in the shower and leaves it? Well, if the boys EVER find out.....
Star gazing through clouds is hard.
Boys snore.
6th grade is way too young to like girls. It's better to be free for a while longer.
Barefoot hiking is ok unless you're Ryan C. and step on a nest of yellow jackets.
It's hard to live without the Beatles for four days.
The climbing wall was easy peasy, at least it was for Scotty the Squirrel.
There's no place like home and your own bed.

Last but not least...I had two successful untucked days at work, two not-so-good. Is there a program or a drug for this problem?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Extreme Makeover--Free edition

Since my blog is all about ME...

Today, for the first time since I was about 12 (no exaggeration) I have not tucked my hair behind my ears. I guess this is a nervous habit or something, I tuck probably 50 times a day.
Seriously, I have worn my hair tucked behind my ears, in a pony tail, or up since I was 12. I have never gone 24 solid hours with my hair down around my face.

Well, today I did...and what a sensation it made. I can't believe HOW many people commented on my new haircut (which I did not get and haven't had since the week before the wedding and I have the solid gray roots to prove it!) Even my FAMILY asked when I got it cut. HELLO! I was with you guys all night and I didn't get up at 3:00 am to have it cut. People came from all over campus to see it saying that so and so said "you have to see Jeni's new hairdo!" All I did was wear frosted lipstick and not tuck it behind my ears. SO...tell me...does it look THAT different? Which is better?

A thank you to Celia who taught me how to have pictures taken so that my triple chin and wrinkles don't show so much.
End of the day photo credit to Jeff

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Lessons Being Learned

I went to Idaho to see the Newlyweds...this is going to be a learning process for me. Have I mentioned (several hundred times) that I am opinionated and forget to use my edit button on a regular basis?

So here are some of the lessons I will be learning......

See nothing.....

Hear Nothing......

Say Nothing.....


When your sweet daughter, who never took a thought to your family budget,
says: "Mom, when you leave the bedroom, please try and remember to turn off the light....we are in REAL life now, we have bills to pay"

Instead of saying: "okay sweetie, you TRY and remember that when YOU come to MY house also. I live in the real world too and have bills to pay." What you should do is....

Say Nothing.

When your newlyweds have a little tiff.... you.....

Hear nothing and.....

Say nothing!

When your beautiful daughter does things differently than you think they should be done.....

See nothing.... and....

Say nothing!!!

These are a few lessons I will be learning. Be sure and watch for times I blow it, which knowing me, will be quite often!

I am suddenly loving my mom more and more as I realize she learned these lessons very well. (I guess it helped that I was #3 to marry and she had had years and years of practice. By the time Scotty gets married...I'll be a pro.)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Happy Birthday Lacie Angel!

Happy 19th Birthday Lacie! Do you get a party in Heaven?

This is Lacie Schwitters, today she would be 19 years old. Lacie was baptized on October 5, 1997. After her baptism she went to Idaho with her Grandma; that Saturday, 6 days later she was killed in American Falls, Idaho when the car she was riding in hit black ice. Lacie had taken off her seat belt to move to the back seat. When the car hit the black ice, it rolled and Lacie was thrown from the car and killed. Just a couple of hours before she had been talking to her Mom, my friend Pam on the phone, "I'm going to be a snow angel today Mom!" she said excitedly. And she was.

Lacie left her mom, Pam and her dad, Barry as well as her siblings Brandi, Barry and Shaelie and tons of other family and friends. Lacie was full of fun and spunk. She was just born into the world to enjoy every minute she had. She had her own mind and did things her way. One day she was really naughty and Pam sent her to her room and told her she could come out when she could be nice and apologize. "You know you're never going to see me again!" she said to Pam. We have laughed over this for years. She was a little stinker, a beautiful. fun, spirited stinker.

Lacie loved babies, she loved Scotty and Jeff when they were born and would beg to hold them. She loved Tanner, her grandma's dog and she LOVED McDonald's french fries. She loved to swim and roller blade and to ride her bike. She loved to be outdoors and she loved Christmas lights. Every year when Barry puts up thousands of lights we always comment on how much Lacie would love them.

Tonight Pam, Vicki and I went to the cemetery to leave flowers. It was locked up, but that didn't stop us, we walked around the fence and walked in the dark to her headstone which has this picture of her on it, with a temple and stars. We sang her favorite song, "I am like a star shining brightly", and she is. Lacie Rene, you are still with us. We know you were at your friend Lauren's sealing, remember how we used to dress you two alike? She misses you too. Watch over us and know that we are happy. Someday your Mom and Vicki and I will all raise our perfect daughters together. In the meantime you and baby Lauren look down on us and help keep Rachel safe okay? We love you Lacie and miss you, but we are so happy that our Heavenly Father's plan is so perfect and we will surely see and hold you again. Happy Birthday sweet girl!