April 26, 1984 was the day that some of my hopes and dreams as a mother were shattered, was the day my faith in mankind was called in to question and the day that my daughter Rachel received her first class ticket to the Celestial Kingdom.
The previous weekend was lovely, it was Easter and my little sister Stacie had come to visit. It was so fun to marvel at all the fun new things 6 month old Rachel was doing. She was a giggler and could roll over and rock on all fours. It was just so fun to be a new mom of the most beautiful baby ever!
I worked on the campus of USC where my husband was attending Dental school. We lived in a neighborhood in south central LA, where there were about 8 other LDS dental students families. We were a close knit bunch. I worked because we could get tuition remission, half off the $8700 tuition rate per trimester and at 11 trimesters, it was a significant amount. Rachel had been in daycare at married student housing, but then a member of our ward offered to watch her. They had a baby one day older, in fact, we had been in the hospital together. We thought this was a great option.
I picked Rachel up on Monday and her ear was purple and she had little bruises on her tummy. Bill (not his real name) told me she had rolled off the couch and that he felt terrible about it.
As the night went on she got more listless and some other bruises appeared faintly. We took her to the Dr. As we went over health history, he asked about blood problems. My mother has a blood disorder and I am a carrier with a mild case. Without even taking a blood test he determined Rachel must have it. I was so sad and felt terrible, I had passed this on to my baby. After counseling with our parents that night, we decided that I should quit and stay home, we would just take out more student loans.
So the next day I gave my notice. That afternoon when I picked Rach up, she wouldn't move her head and was whimpering. We took her back to the Dr. and he said she had an ear infection and not to worry. Over the next two days she was more listless and could barely stay awake. 7 calls to the advise nurse helped calm my fears. Thursday afternoon I got a call from Bill at my office, "Rachel won't wake up, I am trying to feed her and she is out of it." I grabbed my shoes and ran to my car. This was before cell phones and I thought I would just call Byron when I got home. I arrived at our apartment in time to see the ambulance drive away, a policeman was there, threw me in his car and we raced after. At the hospital I saw them take little naked Rachel with tubes in her and they were using a breathing machine. What had happened? I had no clue.
I went into the hospital and waited. I called Byron at the school, he had his very first patient in a chair, the rubber dam on and was ready to drill. Another friend heard the emergency page and offered to take his patient, another friend offered to drive him. Three hours we waited and then a policeman, a neurologist and a social worker came in and told us that Rachel had been shaken. A baby's brain is like jello and hers was significantly damaged by a violent shaking. There was bruising on the front and back lobes, massive swelling and subdural hemorrhaging. This had caused massive brain damage. We were shocked and horrified to say the least. They told us that as the parents we were under suspicion and that they were placing a 72 hour hold. But at the same time they were life flighting her to Children's Hospital of LA. Our world crashed instantly and it was truly hard to breathe.
Over the next week our life was a nightmare. Rachel was in a coma, having every function done for her. We were under suspicion as child abusers. At some point the Dr.'s told us she probably wouldn't live, and if by some miracle she did, she would be multiply handicapped. I didn't care. I just wanted my baby to live. I begged Heavenly Father to save her, I didn't care what the future held, just save my baby. We signed away her organs just in case, the most difficult signature I have ever written.
Our parents came to be with us, our ward ignored us, except for the Bishop. We under went lie detector tests, Rorshacht testing, psychological testing, everything. The police interviewed us for hours and anyone who knew us. Meanwhile, Bill and his wife, Cruella, refused the lie detector test and moved in the middle of the night. They were in their apartment at 4:00pm and the next morning were gone. We have never heard from them since.
Rachel stayed in the hospital for 10 weeks. Our wonderful Stake President William Tanner asked Pres. John J. Carmack of the Seventy to represent us. He did, pro bono. He came to talk to us and held our hands and looked deep into us. He said the spirit didn't whisper, it spoke loudly, we, Rachel's parents were not responsible for her injuries. We received some marvelous blessings at the time as did Rachel. 10 weeks later we were through the family court ordeal, exhonorated and free to leave LA. We brought baby Rachel home to our parents as USC was shut down for the LA Olympics.
The ensuing years have been both horribly sad and marvelously happy. She is a beautiful girl, with the intelligence of a 12 month old. Her disabilities are profound. Rachel's left brain is the size of an English walnut, it is a miracle that she is a live. She has never spoken a word and can do very little for herself. Rachel brings out the wonderful in people. As much as I struggle, I marvel that she is so happy. How hard it must be for her perfect spirit to be trapped in a damaged mind and body. She has been loved and accepted by our tight circle of friends. The other kids her age loved her and took care of her. She was even asked by citymama to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. We have had so many, many choice experiences with her. She was baptized and that day was spectacular as we knew that she KNEW what was happening. Her patriarchal blessing is amazing, there is not an "IF" in it. It says "you WILL...."
As for Bill and Cruella? We have never heard from them. People ask me about them and how I feel. I forgive him. I understand the fear that made him run. The Lord will forgive whom He will forgive, of me, I am expected to forgive all men, seventy times seven. Please don't think I am the patron saint of Forgiveness, there are days....but he did give Rachel a blessing. He was unworthy to give it but she was worthy to receive it. When I tell this story to youth of the church they ask why would Heavenly Father let this happen? Couldn't he stop it? Yes, HE
could stop all the bad things in the world, but he
can't, that would be denying free agency. Free agency is the greatest of all the gifts of heaven.
I guess we will never know in this life what exactly happened and why, but I don't think that's important. She doesn't have a blood disorder though.
I could go on and on and tell stories of Rachel, I'll save those for her birthday. How grateful I am that my Heavenly Father trusts one of his most precious souls to me. I am so humbled that Byron and I and our entire family is blessed to have an eternity of loving Rachel.
The first picture is Rachel one week out of the hospital.
Next is learning how to eat solid foods, she was a year old in the picture.
My favorite picture ever, sitting on Grandmas porch swing. Notice her droopy arm, she has a right hemi-paresis, which means her right side doesn't work at all.
This is Rachel at 18, pretty much what she looks like now.
JEALOUSY.
