This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into an George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps, Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, there these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you flipping kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Wendi Aarons
12 comments:
Rage. The woman has rage. There are pills for that!
Send me an email so I can have you pick your papers for your blog!
That is so Funny!! Are you The "Jennifer" she was talking about in her letter?
Awesome. Periods are bad enough but to have to use a pad during a period automatically means that you are not happy but rather soggy and grumpy.
Too much information?
So funny and so familiar. I distinctly remember reminding myself during that special time that this is not a good time to make life altering decisions (especially with a hammer).
Whoa, that woman has issues! Really funny though!
Is that really real? It certainly is blogworthy. When is someone going to write a letter about tampons called Pearls?
See? I comment.
wow, that was highly entertaining. thanks for dropping by my blog now and again, nice to meet' ya!
My brother-in-law insists that all we women do when we get together is talk about tampons. Maybe this proves he is right. :)
A very big bonus to pregnancy and nursing is NO period for about one year and nine months. Of course there's that six weeks of bleeding to make up for all that, but you give and you take.
I definitely have the hormones though. My poor sweet family gets to love me through it all.
Thanks for keeping up with my blog the last few weeks. I've been in hiding.
What's your email address?
What scripture block are you teaching next week?
Leave me your email in my comments then I will delete it so no perverts come and send you pone or whatever.
My husband starts shaking when he sees the big blue box on top of the toilet. I will let him read this!
Ok. First, that was REALLY funny!
And second, thanks for the comment. Glad to know who's dropping by my part of the woods.
And YES the pictures are for real. Husbands of three of my really good friends. And Yes we are ALL still friends. They took it in good humor like I meant it. Although, one is planning a retaliation plan...I have since mentioned to him how great he and his family is everytime I get a chance. :-)
Now that was hilarious!
An inbred hillbilly with knife skills, huh? I am going to begin to refer to myself that way post haste when I have, "The Curse".
This was great...I am going to read it to my husband.
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